Art by Norma Jean Zahner
Last year my friend, Carol, won the Uber-Micro Award.
Her good intentions were aided and abetted by pure, unadulterated pushiness.
When you’re the family’s steel magnolia matriarch, age 84, who’s gonna take you down?
If you wonder how the judges measured Carol’s super-uber persistence, it was gauged by an AKC Jack Russell meter. Like a terrier, Carol lets go of nothing.
And yet, like an adorable JR, you gotta love her.
On my first visit to Carol’s house, she shepherded me room-to-room, person-to-person, table-to-table. Her home was micro-manicured.
Not a spot of spillage, not a splotch, nor a speck did I witness. Chairs were geometrically-positioned. Carol’s living room was Feng Shui’d within an inch of its existence.
Terrified, no one touched even a pillow. The tiniest energy-bump might ripple the universe, collapsing the living room and possibly the entire Eastern Seaboard.
I offered to help Carol with dinner prep once – once.
My job: chopping celery. Whenever I’d turn my back after setting down a knife or bowl, I’d turn around to find it gone.
“Where’s my knife?” I’d ask.
“Oh, I thought you were through with it. I washed it and put it away,” said Carol casually, reaching for a paper towel in my hand.
“I’ll toss that for you,” she said, and without even eye-contact, took it, and canned it.
My jaw gaped. I told my jaw, “Mouth, don’t dribble, or Carol will come at us with a Kleenex wad and a bib. And please, if it should happen, don’t let this be on You Tube.”
Think upon this, girlfriends.
What is your measure of Clean and friends who worship it. How important is it to you?
I’m a 5-7 cleaner on a 10-point scale. My mom was a half-hour girl. If it took longer, it ain’t worth it.
Bearing that in mind, here’s her house-cleaning process:
1. Shove everything into closets and drawers (no one’s going to go into your drawers, if you’ll pardon the idiom).
2. Vacuum the middle of the floor (who’s going to look under tables and couches?).
3. Put out fresh flowers (Posies are why folks are not looking in your drawers and under your tables.)
That’s all for this month, folks. Take it easy on Spring cleaning.
Hey. Wait-a-sec – Did you just vacuum my broom?
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