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Fast Forward to the Good Parts
Written By: Donna Rhodes | Issue: 2016/07 - July
Bobbo, BMBE (Best Movie Buddy Ever), and I watched every tomato-splatted film to wobble its way onto a screen.
You name it, we endured it, from Ed Wood fiascos to anything hosted by Vampira, Zacherly, Joe Bob Briggs, or Joel and the three little dudes on Mystery Science Theater 3000. If it were rotten, stupid, poorly written, badly acted, or otherwise abominable, we loved it.
Ratings were awarded/measured by the amount of stale popcorn we flung at the flick when something intolerably stupid happened. Ed Wood films were good for two cups of popcorn. Two cups were a lot, as we really hated wasting snacks, staleness notwithstanding.
Over time we developed shorthand for SMB (Stupid Movie Behavior). When the hero did something inexplicably lame, Bobbo would save time by saying, “SMB.”
I’d respond, “Times infinity.”
Bobbo’d add, “Plus one.”
For those who wish to incorporate our abbreviations into personal movie critiquing, here are the basics:
EC: Expendable Character; ECs are sacrificed early on to establish monster ferocity. You can spot ‘em three scenes away.
DUHS: Don’t Underestimate Hero’s Stupidity, such as going into a mega-creepy house, then staying, even though the walls ooze bodily fluids. Throw popcorn at him/her.
A/B: Crawling into an Attic or Basement. Let’s see, monsters, slashers, and maniacs…are they going to lounge in the living room or lurk in the basement or attic? Hmmmm…Popcorn!
SU: Splitting Up. “You check the attic. I’ll check the basement.” Lots of popcorn.
OB or GG: Obligatory Boobs or Gratuitous Guts (throw the corn).
WTL: Wanton Teenage Lust. Adolescents-having-sex is an EC ticket for sure.
PF: Power Failure, car-key failure, engine failure, plot failure, etc. Go ahead. Hurl some kernels.
FF: Fast forward to the OB.
I hate to run, but “Freddy Meets Godzilla” is about to air. Time to call in Harry the 75-pound hamster to clean up all this corn.
Happy fast-forwarding!
