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Hot Burner Mary
Written By: Donna Rhodes | Issue: 2016/11 - November
All the women in my family were culinary queens, each vying for the biggest crown.
Late winter, in anticipation of the next year’s plantings, harvests, picklings, and preservings, they religiously rifled through stacks of Burpee seed catalogs and the Farmer’s Almanac. Though not a seed had sprouted, a blue-ribbon casserole was already in the making.
Yes, the womenfolk I called kin were canonized for their cooking… and their housekeeping. All, that is, except for one… my mother. She had her own home-maker’s creed: If it takes more than half an hour, it’s not worth doing.
This applied to cooking, artwork, house cleaning, and more. Take house cleaning for example (please … take it). Her method: vacuum the middle of the floor (nobody’s gonna look anywhere else), shove everything into drawers and closets (they’re not gonna look there either), and put out fresh flowers (they will look there, distracting them from the dirty floor and cluttered closets).
As for cooking: I learned early-on that chewy lumps are integral to a gravy’s texture, toast is the color of charcoal, and since rice sticks to your ribs, make it gummy by fusing it to the bottom of the pan. Here is where Mother acquired the nickname, “Hot Burner Mary.” Even though gravy, rice, and toast were done in minutes, they involved a brand of meticulousness that Mother not only lacked, but conscientiously avoided. Where she fell short, the stove kicked in…on high. Many a saucepan went to the gastronomic graveyard of crackled cookware and pitted pots.
So here’s to the aunts and grannies who taught me sauces didn’t have to be clotted. Rice could be fluffy. And a simple appliance adjustment could pop up tan toast every time.
Now, pardon me, Hot Burner Mary is coming to dinner and I have a bit of vacuuming, shoving, and flower arranging to do. The rice is ready. It’s chemically bonded to my Calphalon. The gravy has islands of flour lumps lolling about. And the rolls resemble obsidian.
Mmmmm … mmm. Dinner is served.
