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Inner Super Heroes
Written By: Donna Rhodes | Issue: 2016/06 - June
There are times I yearn to set my inner superheroes free.
Just yesterday, an old guy (probably my age, curse his leathery hide) butted in line ahead of me at the Post Office. No problem. I simply unfurled my Commander Glue Gun cape, snapped my golden armbands in place and said, “Not on my watch, Mister Line-butter,” and promptly super-glued his feet, socks and shoes to the floor. He’ll remain first in line forever… he can’t go anywhere, but, by golly, he’ll always be first doing it.
But that guy was small potatoes compared to these baddies. A freak squad of hackers broke into the computer banks of a nationwide cancer care-provider. Great. Now patients have life-threatening cancer and their identities stolen. What kind of sick frack would do something like that? Time to debut my darkside defender, Dangerous Donna. She’ll give the perps an all-expense paid trip to Chainsaw Charlie’s Getaway where hacking has, well… a more traditional meaning.
I have dozens of other inner heroes. “Pick me! Pick me!” they are all saying. God knows there is no shortage of wrongs to right in this crazy world. Here are but a few alter-egos:
Pie-der Man: throws custard creams at politicians whenever they get economical with the truth.
Grammar Guy: Exposed to grammar radiation at an early age, he’ll nail anyone who begins a sentence with “Me and…” He’s best known for putting tongue locks (akin to a tire boot) on anyone who tags the word “at” onto” Where is it”.
Dawg Boy: Throws pet owners (who leave their animals in hot cars) into commercial clothes dryers, not for long though… just until their polyester melts.
Disclaimer: Neither you, nor I, should ever do anything my alter ego suggests. But feel free to enjoy the above fantasies to their fullest.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check my dryer and maybe do a touch up on that super glue.
