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Squirrel Jerky
Written By: Donna Rhodes | Issue: 2019/01 - Winter
And now, from my Wheelie Bin’s Pointless-Yet-Entertaining Hazarai Department . . . “Strange Things Dogs Expel.”
Dog Number One: My English Bulldog, Bentley, so named because he was built like a 5,000-pound chunk of cantankerous machinery, had class in a proper, Winston Churchill, bully kind of way.
Anything from floor to nose-height was fair game for Mr. Underwear Fetish. He was particularly fond of a malodorous sock, a lady’s thong (don’t ask), or a silky stocking. Luckily things always came out okay in the end, as it were.
I called Bentley “Beaners,” for he was a champion cheek-flapper. Once he butt-tuba’d so loudly he woke himself up. He stood up, startled, looked at his rear end, and barked at it. A year or so later, bored with undergarments I suppose, he ate a golf ball which did in poor ol’ Beaners. At last his tank was empty, but his fragrant legend lives on.
Dog Number Two: My son’s hunting dog reject, JZ. He’s every bit as entertaining as his namesake, in a junk-yard-drooling-redneck kind of way. If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a flea. He recently woofed-down an entire chicken in one mind-boggling gulp. The basement floor has the aftermath’s stain-trail atomically fused to its concrete.
Another time he scarfed meat kabobs, wooden skewer and all. Next day the wooden stick managed to negotiate JZ’s plumbing from gullet to butt but wedged in his south end until Ray excised it.
JZ’s piece de résistance, however, is his penchant for roadkill, particularly squirrel flatties, which are a real craw-clogger, Ray explains (Be Warned: Grossness Alert), “Many’s the time I’ve had to stick my hand into JZ’s disgusting, cavernous throat, grab the squirrel’s squashed, tire-treaded tail, and give it a good, hard yank.”
When JZ passes on, Ray is going to x-ray his stomach. Office pool bets range from hubcaps to snuff cans to indeterminate nastifications to the remains of an endangered species – Gopher Turtle. Yes, JZ has street creds. Animal control has warrants out for his arrest in three states.
