The Perfect Gift

Written By: Donna Rhodes | Issue: 2021/12 – December

My birding-buddy, Artie, loves to tell tall tales about birds. Her latest? 

While Artie focuses on wild birds, binocular-to-beak, she knows other bird-lovers who enjoy their feathered friends, beak-to-cheek. 

Among them are a married couple from Virginia, Stuart and Katie, who recently acquired a Macaw – yes, the real Macaw. 

“Stuart and Katie never had a pet,” Artie said, “Katie was allergic to fur. So, as a surprise, Stuart did a little research, went to a pet shop, talked to the shop-owner, and decided a parrot was the best choice for Katie’s Christmas companion.”

“There was one caveat, however,” Artie continued. “The bird, named Chess-A-Beake (Chess for short), couldn’t talk. 

Whenever it tried, it stuttered. An ornithologist was called in. He trained the bird to sing Christmas Carols. Just like country singer Mel Tillis, the bird couldn’t talk worth a flip, but he could sing his tail feathers off.” 

Wait. Did I say there was one caveat? I lied. There were two.  

The second was you had to give the bird some incentive to warble. If you held a lit match near his left foot, he’d sing Silent Night. If you held a match near his other foot, he’d sing Jingle Bells. 

According to Artie, Stuart couldn’t wait to give Katie her gift, so he sneaked out of a holiday gathering and picked up Chess. He returned just as dessert was being served and announced, “Katie, my love, I had to give you your gift early. Here he is. You finally have a pet.” 

Katie looked at Chess, a large, handsome bird with eyes full of twinkle. She took an instant liking to ol’ Chess, and asked, “Does he talk?” 

 “Well, he sings more than talks. Here, let me show you.” Stuart struck a match as he assured everyone he wasn’t going to singe the parrot. It was just part of the show.

He held the match near Chess’s left foot and the bird sang the most beautiful version of Silent Night Katie had ever heard.

A match held near his other foot ignited a rousing version of three verses of Jingle Bells.

Guests cheered. Katie shouted, “This is amazing!”  

“You don’t mind he can’t talk?” asked Stuart.

“Not a bit,” replied Katie, “But I wonder what he’d sing if you held the match between his legs.”

Stuart lit the third match and held it low and center. 

Chess cleared his throat, then squawked, “Chess’ nuts roasting on an open fire!”

(Editor’s Note: We’d like to apologize for the way this charming Holiday Story went off the rails at the end. It’s clearly not a reflection of our sense of humor or propriety. It is, however, a perfect reflection of Donna’s.)

by Donna Rhodes | Illustration by Norma Jean Zahner