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Where Does a 500 lb. Frog Sit?
Written By: Donna Rhodes | Issue: 2021/05 – May
It’s a Frog Day Afternoon in Donna’s backyard, ending in a quick freezer slam.
There’s a frozen frog in my fridge.
I am its murderer. I didn’t enjoy euthanizing the long-leggedy beastie. It’s not my nature to freeze a thing unless it’s a turkey or salmon.
I froze it because there is a statewide decree to do so, humanely, of course. Giant frogs are marching into Florida, concealing themselves in banana bunches, flying by the seat of their froggy pants on cargo planes, and frog-kicking their way through the swamps to residential neighborhoods in the dark of night.
Along the way, they snack on a variety of indigenous treats, upending the ecological balance like a drunken sailor downing dodos. They even munch on power lines, causing outages.
Really? Yes, really.
If you ever wished Florida harm (it is America’s wang … thank you, Homer Simpson), your wish came true in the form of the Cuban Frog, a flat floppy thing, in its full glory about a size 12 chubby guy’s foot, XXX wide.
I exaggerate. The larger gender, an adult female, is about 6 inches long. But when you’re trying to catch one, it’s the size of a Buick.
Even though they are usually sloth-like (unless they are pouncing on an endangered species . . . like me, for example) they are coated in a poisonous ooze, so don’t touch one, and for gosh sakes, don’t go all Homer on it and lick it.
The best way to catch a Cuban Frog is to put your hand inside a turned-out plastic bag, summon your courage, pray-to-god the demon won’t jump on you, then snag that sucker. Turn the bag right side out (frog enclosed, much like the dog-poop-plastic-bag-procedure). Quickly zip the bag shut. Double-bag it, just in case, then fling it into the freezer and don’t open the door again for 24 hours . . . or days.
Add the Cuban Frog to Florida’s invasive list which includes the Burmese Python, Feral Hogs, Cane Toads, Iguanas, Lionfish, African Snails, and 500 other intrusive plants, animals, and former presidents. Confound the problem with global warming, and America’s wang becomes an incubator for disaster.
Wait a sec … I wonder if we could train the frogs to eat pythons, hogs, and snails?
Problem solved, except for this headline: Florida Man Squashed by 500 Pound Frog.
